American Indian Summer

Summer has arrived big style and how do I know this? Well the glorious weather for one, the crowded beaches complete with topless ladies, the increased prices on drinking outside and the invasion of Americans by force. This isn't going to be a rant with helpings of American bashing, I quite welcome them in smaller doses, especially the women after hearing that they are well practised in the art of blow jobs. In fact I don't have much against them, except their brilliant white teeth, nasally accents and their fucked foreign policy. Also the fact that wherever you are you can hear them, in the street, the bar, the supermarket or the bogs (that's toilets to you non Scottish people). They have no volume control, no subtlety, no discretion.
It's almost as if they want anybody in close proximity to know what they're talking about be it the price of cheese or the fact that their beaches are bigger and better, which they may well be, but can you stop fucking shouting about it, every other fucker on the bus does not need to know these frivolous thoughts. Oh aye and American football is rugby with pads, baseball is cricket without the maths, and maths is not math, it's a fucking abbreviation of mathematics. So come up with some original sports and don't say basketball because that was invented by a Canadian and stop fucking around with the English language, there is no such thing as American English, you don't hear of Scottish English, or Australian English, it's just English, the English language. So have a sit down and take a good long hard look at yourselves, and just because your great, great, great grandfather shagged an Irish prostitute, does not make you Irish. " Oh I'm eighth Scotch and a quarter Irish". Shut the fuck up you muppet. Just pack it in, all this pretence and posturing, you're an American, like I'm Scottish. My father may be Irish but I am Scottish, you don't hear me going on about the fucking Normans or Picts. You're an experiment gone wrong and you're going to ruin this fucking oasis that we've been given you selfish fucks. And another thing, we get taught to look at an atlas, so when you feel like explaining what coast New York is on, guess what, I fucking know already.


This is in no way a rant, merely a conversation with Jim.