A plump, ripe, breast.
Just take a moment, only a moment, to appreciate such a wondrous sight.
And before I go any further, I'd like to point out that I'm not thinking of one that appears marinated in a white wine sauce with a compliment of sauteed potatoes.
No. Nothing like that.
Right now I'm looking at a left breast, hidden behind a black singlet.
That same singlet is held together by thread.
My mind takes me on a journey where I am physically able to unravel each and every stitch, and suddenly the singlet falls to one side, and out pops this beautiful, bare, boob.
The left one.
What happens next is anyones guess.
Maybe I help her to put it back in, maybe I chance a quick squeeze, maybe, maybe,but wait. What's this?
SLAP!
It hits me like a flick on the balls.
Fifteen. She's only fifteen.
But she looks eighteen. Those three years make a hell of a difference, legality, personality, musical tastes........................
Musical tastes.
Mind wandering time again.
Fuck, what would she listen to?
Shite, probably. Spanish shite at that. Two years here and nothing decent to listen to.
Maybe I'm not listening to the right radio station.
Maybe I'm not looking in the right places.
Maybe.....
Fifteen.
Christ.
Born in nineteen ninety three.
Fuck, I feel old.
"Excuse me, but you help me with this??"
It takes me a moment to realise that this is a question, and that it requires me to offer a response.
I continue to stare.
"Sir, I want help with this."
"Yes. Sorry, sorry, what's......what's up....?
Time to get into the role.
And it is a role.
A role in which I didn't prepare for, in fact it's almost like opening night, and everyone else has their lines, but I was told to stand there and wing it. Improvise.
Improvise.
Fuck.
I've been doing that for three months now.
I stand up. The initial thought is one of dread.
What's she going to ask? Do I know the answer?
What am I doing here?
Whose idea was it to be an English teacher anyway?
Friday, 7 November 2008
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
Exhibition in Edinburgh
Below are some of the images that will be on display in the Traverse Theatre in Edinburgh from the 27th of October 2008. The exhibition runs for six weeks so feel free to pop in and purchase a limited edition print!
God loves a trier.
God loves a trier.
Friday, 29 February 2008
When all is said and done...
Top 5 Break up Songs.
(Nick Horby does not own the rights to this, it's been happening for years, even before Top of the Pops.)
1.Roddy Frame - Over You
2.The Beatles - For No One
3.Paul Simon - 50 Ways to leave your Lover
4.Foo Fighters - Walking After You
5.John Lennon - Jealous Guy
There now follows a short compendium of snippets from the above songs....
Make a new plan Stan/you wait up, she goes out/if you walk out on me/I didn't mean to hurt you/heard you were out in SW3/there must be 50 ways to leave your lover/I was trying to catch your eye/tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds/there must be times when all the things she said filled your head/you said I'd get over you.
As you may have guessed I'm now single, fucked off, hurt and crying for redemption.
So I have come up with (trumpet crescendo) my eleven, yes eleven (it's louder than ten).............................................
STEPS OF RECOVERY (underlined)
1. Denial - to pretend that fuck all is wrong, the relationship is in tatters, but to you everything is hunkydory.
2. Ignorance - you pause, and stop pretending, denial turns into full blown ignorance, hunkydory becomes a close friend.
3. Moment of Clarity - you understand the problems and symptoms - WARNING - this only lasts up to a maximum of one month.
4. Acceptance Part 1 - begins with the realisation of the break up. This is also known as ' the amicable acceptance'.
5. Self Pity - everything you see and hear relates to you. Beware of overly sentimental films, music or books.
6. Anger/Refusal - a very dangerous position to find oneself in. Cue the regurgitation of past faults and fuck ups.
7. Acceptance Part 2 - you now find yourself realising that there is no way back (to her).
8. HATE - the most potent of all. Anything to do with the EX is now spouted from your inner hatred gene. This can last for years, depending upon how you have dealt with the last 7 stages.
9. Drought - depends on your ability with the opposite sex. A drought can last for hours or years.
10. The Move On - you start to notice more fish in the perverbial sea and life doesn't seem all that fucking bad, smiles appear on the faces of what would have been total cunts, lamposts shine, oranges land in front of you, complete strangers ask what time it is, and Liverpool win the Premiership. Films, music and books take on a different meaning and you are able to participate in 'the move on'..
11. Greener Pastures - new girl, new life, new outlook upon it. Until that is, you find yourself coming face to face with stage 1, then repeat.
You poor fuck.
(Nick Horby does not own the rights to this, it's been happening for years, even before Top of the Pops.)
1.Roddy Frame - Over You
2.The Beatles - For No One
3.Paul Simon - 50 Ways to leave your Lover
4.Foo Fighters - Walking After You
5.John Lennon - Jealous Guy
There now follows a short compendium of snippets from the above songs....
Make a new plan Stan/you wait up, she goes out/if you walk out on me/I didn't mean to hurt you/heard you were out in SW3/there must be 50 ways to leave your lover/I was trying to catch your eye/tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds/there must be times when all the things she said filled your head/you said I'd get over you.
As you may have guessed I'm now single, fucked off, hurt and crying for redemption.
So I have come up with (trumpet crescendo) my eleven, yes eleven (it's louder than ten).............................................
STEPS OF RECOVERY (underlined)
1. Denial - to pretend that fuck all is wrong, the relationship is in tatters, but to you everything is hunkydory.
2. Ignorance - you pause, and stop pretending, denial turns into full blown ignorance, hunkydory becomes a close friend.
3. Moment of Clarity - you understand the problems and symptoms - WARNING - this only lasts up to a maximum of one month.
4. Acceptance Part 1 - begins with the realisation of the break up. This is also known as ' the amicable acceptance'.
5. Self Pity - everything you see and hear relates to you. Beware of overly sentimental films, music or books.
6. Anger/Refusal - a very dangerous position to find oneself in. Cue the regurgitation of past faults and fuck ups.
7. Acceptance Part 2 - you now find yourself realising that there is no way back (to her).
8. HATE - the most potent of all. Anything to do with the EX is now spouted from your inner hatred gene. This can last for years, depending upon how you have dealt with the last 7 stages.
9. Drought - depends on your ability with the opposite sex. A drought can last for hours or years.
10. The Move On - you start to notice more fish in the perverbial sea and life doesn't seem all that fucking bad, smiles appear on the faces of what would have been total cunts, lamposts shine, oranges land in front of you, complete strangers ask what time it is, and Liverpool win the Premiership. Films, music and books take on a different meaning and you are able to participate in 'the move on'..
11. Greener Pastures - new girl, new life, new outlook upon it. Until that is, you find yourself coming face to face with stage 1, then repeat.
You poor fuck.
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